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Another tale of moral cowardice from America’s therapy culture. Today, Carolyn Hax addresses a letter sent by a pregnant 40 year old woman who is not sure she wants to get married. It’s her first pregnancy and the first for her fiance.
The woman only values her feelings, her wants and her desires. Now that she is carrying the man’s child, she does not feel like she is madly in love with him. So, she wants to call off the wedding, to risk becoming a single mother and to hurt him deeply. I will only mention in passing that if she gives birth while unmarried, the child will officially be a … you know what. She does not care about that either.
She seems to recognize that she ought to consider what is best for her child, but still, she feels her feelings and feels like bailing on the wedding.
Here, for your edification, the letter:
I'm not even sure how to start this because I feel like a terrible person getting myself into this situation. I recently got engaged to a great guy — kind, responsible, outstanding human being. Because we are both 40, we immediately tried for a child, and, joy and surprise, I immediately got pregnant.
I'm overjoyed about the baby. However, despite the fact our relationship is going smoothly, I'm not feeling any desire to actually . . . get married. In fact, I've been waking up dreaming about a former boyfriend and wishing I were marrying him, and I am feeling painfully aware that although I definitely love my fiance, I don't love love love him the way I know I'm capable of.
He, I'm pretty sure, does love love love me. I'm feeling trapped. I'm missing laughter. I'm feeling terrible. I'm not sure how to proceed or even what questions to ask myself.
What's best for the baby is probably to throw myself 110 percent into making this relationship as good as can be, but I'm also scared we'll settle into a mediocre marriage, where he'll sense that I feel trapped, and that might be worse than blowing up our lives now. How do I untangle this?
— Not Sure I Want to Get Married
In truth, she is a terrible person. Sadly, Hax is with her… to some extent. Here is the Hax response:
Be honest about not wanting to go ahead with the wedding. Don’t “blow up our lives,” but instead just say you’re feeling overwhelmed (since it’s true!) and stressed (since it’s true, that’s what the dreams and inability to laugh are telling you) — and what you’d like most is to be free to give yourself over completely to your pregnancy, to sharing with him this overjoyed moment.
The 10 percent is that you will alleviate the pressure of impending nuptials you’re not 100 percent behind. The (possible) 100 percent is that giving yourself room to breathe will (possibly) relax you, and a relaxed you will be open to the love you have for and from your fiance. He might not be the reason for your lack of intimate feelings, in other words, but instead the victim of it. At least buy yourself the time and space to find out.
Consider the opening: Hax wants the woman to give herself over completely to her pregnancy, while at the same time putting off the marriage. She does not consider how that will go down with the man and his family, or her own family, for that matter. Might it be that her fiance will not be thrilled to share it all with him once she tells him in all honesty that she does not love him very much but would rather be with her ex-boyfriend.
Again, why do these women assume that the man in question will be thrilled to learn that she wants to call off the marriage? Why do they not factor in the public humiliation of having to tell family and friends that she does not want to marry the father of her child?
Yet, Hax quotes another woman, one who also believes that the woman should feel her feelings, but who understands, better than Hax, that pregnancy produces hormonal changes that directly affect your sense of smell.
Pregnancy is also weird, all your hormones shift around, and I didn't like how my husband smelled for nine months. Honest.
But, did she believe that not liking how her husband smelled should be grounds for divorce or for not getting married? In short, these women are allowing themselves to be led around by their feelings. They have taken leave of their moral sense.
6 comments:
My God! Forty years old and still an immature child.
“I will only mention in passing that if she gives birth while unmarried, the child will officially be a … you know what.”
Black?
My buddy just went through an inexplicable divorce involving 3 young children because his wife didn’t “love love love love him anymore.” He was completely blindsided. Very difficult to watch. He is a good man, kind, devoted, handsome with a good job.. She just lost interest.
Why marry the guy if gubmint will be your sugar daddy and take care of you and your spawn?
And so in her mind, does this absolve the fiance from responsibility for the child?
"Forty years old and still an immature child."
AWALT! Its their evolutionary biology.
The toughest, dyki-est feminist instantly becomes a little girl again when the fire alarm goes off or the ship starts to sink! They ALL want daddy to help them.
I cannot believe she has gone forty years and never heard that romantic love is temporary for most people. 18 months to 3 years. There are a fortunate few who seem able to sustain it indefinitely, but I see that as a biological oddity, not good training or good intentions.
Fondness can last forever, and is the natural successor to eros.
As she must have heard this, we must conclude she did not listen or did not care. As she is a person who considers her feelings more important than what is best for her child and the father of her child, perhaps it is not surprising.
That the advice columnist, who with absolute certainty has heard many times that romantic love is temporary, also chooses to privilege feeling over everything else, I am very discouraged.
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