The Lady Dresses Like a Tramp

Here’s another slice of contemporary American life… pre-pandemic, that is.

I report it in the interest of offering a helpful suggestion to a letter writer who calls herself Cut Out. She wrote as follows in an online discussion with Carolyn Hax:

I've been friends with "Kelly," "Emily" and "Dara" since college, about seven years. We have always gone out to bars and clubs and had a lot of fun together — until recently.

Lately, through social media, I can see that Emily and Dara and sometimes all three go out without me. In fact, the only time we all go out together is when I set it up.

Because I'm closer to Kelly, I asked her why Emily and Dara were freezing me out. She explained they're sick and tired of the attention I get from men when we all go out as a group. Kelly doesn't care because she's in a committed relationship. They say they want a chance to meet guys and having me there only makes them feel like "second choice, if the men even notice them at all."

I've really stepped up my fitness routine and as a result I wear much more close-fit styles, which men do like. My friends wear very casual, comfortable clothing. They have their own style and that's fine; I don't judge them for not doing things the same as I do. But now I feel like I'm losing my friends because of this. Also, we don't always go out with the intent to meet men, so why cut me out? What can I do?

Obviously, she is understating the problem. I put one phrase in boldface, because it is clearly distorted. To her girlfriends she dresses like a tramp. They do not like to go out with a woman who dresses like a tramp. Not only does it attract all of the male attention, but it makes them look like tramps by association.

So, Cut Out feels like she is being judged. She does not recognize that her friends have every right to judge her behavior and to choose not to be part of the same clique with someone who is compromising their reputations. For all I know, Cut Out is an easy hookup, and some women do not want to associate with a woman who is.

Cut Out tells us nothing beyond what happens after these casual encounters. She says that it’s all about her fitness routine. In truth, she is impervious to the effect that her behavior is having on other people. She arrogantly assumes that others must accommodate her behavior. 

The solution: to dress more casually. She should stop going out in the in skin-tight leggings. If she cannot draw a lesson from the signs that her friends are sending her, then they are right to exclude her.