Is Her Daughter Making a Big Mistake?

To some extent I agree with Carolyn Hax on one point. The woman who writes her is worried about her daughter’s choice of boyfriend. The reason: the man has significant student loans, but does not seem to have the means of paying them off within a reasonable time period.

Hax will say that the mother should not interfere, should not voice her objections, should not confront her daughter about this issue. She should, as the old saying goes, forever hold her peace.

In this case as in many other letters written to advice columns, we do not know enough to evaluate the situation. We suspect that the boyfriend might one day slough off the debt on his girlfriend. She has no school debt and makes a better living than he does. We suspect that the man is not the breadwinner or provider type. This means that daughter will not have the option of staying home and caring for her eventual children. We suspect that the daughter does not understand fully the implications of getting involved with a man who is basically insolvent... and who might become a parasite.

And yet, we also suspect that any advice from mother will be dismissed. Today’s independent and autonomous women like to make their own mistakes. Unfortunately, at times, they make some very large mistakes. If darling daughter is in love, she might be ignoring the signs that will make a future together more difficult. And if said boyfriend is something of a loser, this will eventually impact the girl’s life.

So, we appreciate that Hax pretends to have total confidence in the judgement of the daughter, and we understand that in today’s world, advice should not be offered unless requested-- and perhaps not even then-- the letter writing mother probably is seeing something that has largely escaped her daughter.

Without further ado, here is the letter:

My oldest daughter, who is pretty, intelligent, kind and hard-working, has been dating a guy who cares for her but has college loans he won't pay off for 15 more years. She has no student loans because we paid for her college. He has a decent job and salary, but she makes more even though she is three years younger. He has to penny-pinch to afford his loan payments.

This doesn't impact her much now because they don't live together. While I certainly know she is an independent adult and would not tell her who to date, I want to caution her that marrying him would mean a lifetime of having to penny-pinch. I don't think she realizes what she would have to give up to marry him, such as buying a house, nice vacations, the ability to afford a dog or have her children play a travel sport like she did or pay for her children's college educations. We worked so hard for her to be financially stable, and now that could all be at risk.

What, if anything, should I say to her, and how do I say it without seeming like I'm telling her to break up with him over money?

— Stressed Over Finances

SOF has described the situation entirely in financial terms. It makes her look less than gracious. Along with financial well-being comes community status and standing. It’s one thing to be constantly short of cash. It’s quite another to marry a man who is not respected in the community. His lower standing will define the way the daughter and her grandchildren are treated.

One can only regret that in today’s world, where people are taken to be self-sufficing and self-involved human monads, children have learned not to take adult advice. It’s a bad strategy, one that causes some considerable pain.