Self-Impoverishment

You like to hope that the letter writer here is not of the male persuasion. One likes to think that he is really a she, searching for some deeply meaningful occupation even if it involves self-impoverishment. That is, abandoning a well-paying job and a nice apartment in favor of destitution. It's a form of virtue signaling.

But, Carolyn Hax and the other commentators here seem to assume that a male has written this letter, and who am I to dispute their wisdom.

I do however dispute their attitude. The man has had the same girlfriend for the past five years. And no one, not a single commentator, not Hax herself, seems to be concerned about the prospect of marriage and children. No one, not a single soul, seems to care about whether this young man will be able to support a family.

At our current cultural juncture, a man's being a breadwinner, supporting a family, allowing a wife and mother to have the option of spending more time with her children… does not cross anyone’s mind.

Unfortunately, the man in question does not tell us how old he is, what his current job entails and what the new job offer will entail. One suspects that he is working for a large corporation, even a high tech company, and has been offered a job at a soup kitchen, or at some such charitable enterprise. You know and I know, that whenever anyone starts drooling over work that matters, it involves charity, not corporate enterprise.

The problem is, his vain and quixotic pursuit will cost him his current apartment and his future home. He says not a word about why after a five year relationship he is still thinking in first-person terms.  

And you will notice, that his criticism of his girlfriend merely concerns her raising the issue of impoverishment, not the issue of their potential future together.

Without further ado, here is the letter, from an online discussion:

I was just offered a job that would revolutionize my life. It would mean a substantial pay cut — I might have to downsize to a smaller apartment and push off some goals such as homeownership — but it's in my dream field, doing work that matters, on a schedule that would allow me much more time to do other things I love.

This would be an easy decision if I were single. I would take the job and enjoy the self-actualization.

But I have a girlfriend of five years, and her contribution has so far been to remind me of how tough it would be to return to a higher-paying job if I take this detour.

Honestly, I resent that and wish she would not weigh in, since I feel the "voice of reason" perspective is already covered elsewhere. But now the doubt is there, and I don't know what to do.

— Not Single

One admires the girlfriend’s discretion and tact. She is telling him that if he chooses the path of self-impoverishment she will be looking for a new boyfriend. He is not smart enough to see this, and none of the Hax team is either.

Being an adult involved in a relationship he has responsibilities to at least one other person. He seems not to understand this, because his dream is beckoning. He seems not to understand that a loss of status, accompanied by a loss of income, will almost inevitably entail a loss of friends. If you cannot keep up with the way your friends spend money you will be losing  friends. Sorry if that sounds vulgar, but it shows us a truth.

As for the voice of reason, he does not tell us how it has been covered elsewhere. One imagines that his family has discouraged him from blowing up his life in order to go into the charity business, but, if he is a product of today’s American educational system, their caution will probably fall on deaf ears.