The Tinder Generation

Ah yes, the Tinder generation. A generation of young people has become so thoroughly individuated that none of them know how to get along, so they go out looking for love on Tinder. Seriously?

So says Suzy Weiss in a column on her sister Bari’s Substack. (via Maggie's Farm) Given that we are not of the generation that seeks love via Tinder, we will take this opportunity to straighten out some of these issues.

Weiss bemoans the current dating scene:

Every generation thinks they have it the hardest when it comes to finding love, but it’s hard to look at mine and conclude that we don’t have a good case. Never before have young people been having so little sex—at least not since we began counting such things. Never before have young people been lonelier.

Not to sound any more churlish than usual, but if you are looking for love on Tinder, you are looking in the wrong place. I do not preclude that someone somewhere found their one and only true love via Tinder, but since Tinder is a hook up app, it is not offering love but is offering what used to be called free love. 

Young people who are too cheap to pay for sex find it for free on Tinder. If that is what you are looking for, be my guest. I am thoroughly open minded about these things. The only caveat is-- you are far less likely to find love or even a relationship on Tinder than you are by getting fixed up by your mother’s best friend.

As for how it happened that women allowed themselves to be played in this way, I trust you already know the answer-- sex positive feminism taught them to give it away for free. And then, it taught them to complain when their prospective lovers did not call back, did not respect them in the morning and did not want to see them again, ever.

While men understand that a hook up is a hook up is a hook up, today’s modern liberated women do not get it. They are happy to have sex like men, because feminists taught them to do so, but they do not know how to deal with their emotional reactions, reactions that do not jibe with the prevalent feminist narrative.

Weiss makes a telling point, one that casts aspersions on men. 

But it seems all the would-be husbands have been left functionally castrated by porn addictions, or slaving away at a 9-to-5 trying to pay for a tiny apartment, or too distracted by bio-hacking and Reddit boards to go on a date. 

It’s rarely helpful to blame men for what is happening in the dating and romance scene. After all, once you bring up the question of would-be husbands you must also ask what happened to all the would-be wives. How many young women are looking to be wives? Precious few, I would say. Feminists insist that they want to be independent and autonomous. They have failed to remark that that really means-- being alone.

Let us be clear about our bias here. When it comes to dating and mating, women are in charge. Men are basically clueless. In this vitally important realm of human existence women are strong and empowered. Men are simply too stupid and largely unconcerned by such matter to give their romantic relationships very much thought. They take cues. Usually they take them too well. If a woman wants to hook up within an hour of meeting, the average man will conclude that she is not looking for love. And he knows that she is certainly not looking for a relationship. She is giving it away for free, and therefore has no business complaining about his failure to respect her in the morning.

Besides, consider the aspect of this equation that no one ever wants to talk about. A man, being functionally retarded in these areas, might not care that he met her on Tinder. I guarantee you that his mother will. No woman should expect that a man's mother will see her as a prospective daughter-in-law if they met on Tinder.

Moreover, rather than set off on a fruitless search for true love-- via Tinder or OK Cupid-- how about looking for someone with whom you can engage in a cooperative enterprise. And how about dating someone who has been vetted, by friends, by family, by neighbors. Keep in mind, when you date your mother’s friend’s son, he will more likely be on best behavior-- because he has to answer to his mother and because his mother has to answer to your mother. When you date someone completely at random, you know nothing about him and under no circumstances should you trust anything that he posted on his Tinder profile.

I will spare you the myriad ways that serious thinkers have tried to explain these problems. Mostly they concern bad parenting and worse parenting, internet and porn addiction, and app mania. It feels like a bit of a cop out. These young men are being harangued non-stop for being male chauvinist pigs, for possessing toxic masculinity, for not being good enough for the average liberated female-- and what did you expect to come of this?

Of course, this is a world that feminism has created, though I suspect that this was not the feminist intention. Of course, the road to hell is paved with the best of intentions, and just because feminists did not understand that they had gotten into the business of pimping out high school girls, that does not mean that they were not doing it.

Again, girls who are taught to give it away for free are rarely capable at a tender (or should I say, tinder) age to deal with the emotional fallout. The result is, a generation of young women has been lining up at school counseling centers, has been retreating to safe spaces and has denounced men for being toxic pigs.

The solution, as a woman in Oprah’s audience once dared to say-- back in the day when Oprah had an afternoon show-- you should tell young women to respect themselves.

Of course, she was right.

And besides, few young women want to be wives. And few even want to be mothers. So, what are they offering in a relationship except constant bickering over who is going to do the dishes. Even Tinder dates are better than that!

And, equally obvious is the fact that the #MeToo movement has damaged trust between men and women. It has made women radioactive, and has made them into threats. If young women are threats, why not try out hookups or even internet porn. 

Consider the case of David Sabatini,  leading cancer researcher at MIT-- a man who was dismissed from his position and had his lab shut down because a woman with whom he was having a consensual affair denounced him for sexual harassment. When Sabatini was offered a job at NYU, the feminist scolds rose up and forced the university to rescind the offer.

We do not know all the facts of the case, but shutting down cancer research because of the sensitivities of a young feminist shows where society’s values lie. Does it tell any young man that he should date a young feminist?

Weiss explains:

A 2020 Pew Study suggests that the #MeToo effect—the way that reckonings over sexual impropriety influences how normal Americans date and relate—has had an impact on men like Jeff and Reid. Sixty-five percent of Americans believe “It has become harder for men to know how to interact with someone they’re on a date with”—let alone someone they’re not even on a date with yet.

And she continues, that denouncing men as toxic scum has caused more than a few women to feel afraid of men. It was certainly a great cultural accomplishment to have produced that level of antagonism between men and women.

She says that many of my generation describe being single as “safer.” For women, that might mean curbing the risk of being assaulted or harassed. For men, that might mean worries about being falsely accused of those things, or just accused of being a creep. And there’s always the risk of being disappointed or having your heart broken.

Weiss imagines that dating apps are a solution. And yet, the only real solution is to have sex only with someone you know, someone who knows who you know, who has been vetted, and who has manifested, over time, good character. Obviously, none of this is available on dating apps.

Dating apps give users a sense of protection from such risks. They’re portals to people you can tailor to your exact specifications, down to height and horoscope. OKCupid has twenty options in addition to “man” and “woman” when it comes to self-selecting your gender—and that’s well before you’ve spelled out your TV preferences or sexual kinks.

These exact specifications are an illusion, a mirage. They tell you far less than you would learn if your mother and his mother are old friends or if he has garnered a reputation in his neighborhood.

So, if you want to find love, look for someone who would make a good husband or wife. If you are judging other people according to sexual kinks, you are not looking for love. Older people should not have to tell younger people these truths, but apparently they do. If you want to find a suitable mate-- which is not the same thing as finding a great lover-- take the first constructive step and delete your Tinder profile.