Forgive and Forget

When Freud first invented the talking cure he declared that people were suffering because they had forgotten past traumas. Thus, treatment consisted in exercises that would cause them to remember the forgotten traumas, and therefore, to produce something like a fill-in-the-blanks life story.

For Freud, forgetting constituted repression, so lifting repressing meant remembering something painful.

Freud himself got beyond this theory, but, regrettably, many other people have not. No small number of therapists believe that recovering memories cures and that patients should be hypnotized until they can remember horrific childhood traumas.

Anyway, in the matter of trauma, patients risked being destroyed by their grievances. Today, as an adjunct of therapy, patients believe that they have been victimized. They define themselves by their grievances.

Hating the person who traumatized you seems to have become the order of the day. Hating him, attacking him in public, canceling him… it all comes down to the notion that certain people should never be forgiven. And, in direct opposition to Freudian theory, certain injuries should never be forgotten.

So, we have lost the ability to forgive and forget, largely because we have been persuaded that it is bad for our mental health. One understands that Judeo-Christianity is based on forgiveness, even on atonement. On one side it tells us that we should accept our sins and do penance for them-- the better to receive forgiveness. On the other side it tells us that we should forgive others their sins. 

One hastens to add that in Christianity there is only one unforgivable sin-- blaspheming the Holy Ghost. As for what that means, Augustine has explained that the only unforgivable sin is-- impenitence. 

Anyway, now we have Tara Parker Pope, in the Washington Post, reporting that the therapy world has discovered that forgiveness contributes mightily to good relationships. Holding on to resentments, extracting justice by punishing those who have done you will, is a bad idea. It is bad for your mental health. 

Cue, Everett Worthington, a therapist who developed a way for couples to forgive each other:

Early in his career as a marriage counselor, psychologist Everett Worthington noticed that many couples were angry about perceived slights and real wrongs — and he realized they could make progress only if they forgave each other.

Those insights prompted Worthington to embark on a decades-long academic career studying the science of forgiveness.

While the act of forgiving is often discussed by faith communities, Worthington has found that a secular approach to forgiveness also can be a useful strategy in improving health. He and his colleagues recently completed a study conducted across five countries showing that when forgiveness is taught, practiced and achieved, the result is better mental and overall well-being.

“Forgiveness can change relationship dynamics and prevent a lot of very costly things that can happen in society,” said Worthington, a professor emeritus at Virginia Commonwealth University. “There are injustices we experience every day. People don’t have to forgive — it’s a choice people may make or not make.”

Notice that forgiveness has been relegated to what Pope calls “faith communities.” This means that when we discarded the old religion, we discarded much of what made it psychologically valuable. 

Dare we might say that many people who are nursing grievances would become largely more functional if they let go of injuries that were inflicted decades ago:

Similar studies in the United States also show benefits. The findings have broad implications for public health, said Tyler VanderWeele, a professor of epidemiology at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health and director of the Human Flourishing Program.

“I think the experience of being wronged is quite common,” said VanderWeele, a co-author of the new research and organizer of the Harvard conference. “We’ve seen that this forgiveness workbook can be used to address forgiveness and improve mental health. If the resource is widely disseminated, the effects on population mental health could be substantial.”

The old-time religion was right:

Studies have shown that children who forgive do better academically and that, overall, forgiveness can result in lower blood pressure, better sleep and less anxiety, among other things.

Now, the point that the article leaves out concerns the extension of forgiveness. You do not just forgive and forget; you allow yourself to be forgiven your own trespasses. If you imagine that you are defined by your sins, or by your malevolent wishes, then you will have problems in life. If you have overcome therapy culture and have learned to atone for your sins, to the point where you are able to receive forgiveness, you will improve your character and your relationships.