I agree with Elizabeth Bernstein’s analysis of rude behavior…
up to a point.
While she and her battery of experts are willing to cut people some slack when they are cracking their gum, talking too loudly into a phone in public
or using their sleeves as a napkin … the more salient point is that these
behaviors are grossly disrespectful.
The experts call them social allergens, but when you are
having dinner with someone who chews with his mouth open, you are not allergic;
he is uncouth.
I am confident that Miss Manners would have some suggestions
for witty ways to parry such rudeness. More importantly, Miss Manners teaches
how to deal with rudeness without being rude yourself.
Let us be precise. Some behaviors might appear to be rude but
are really medical conditions. One thinks of Tourette’s syndrome—if someone
without the condition spontaneously shouted obscenities you would shun him.
When someone with a neurological condition does it, you ignore it.
In most of the situations Bernstein discusses, people who
feel offended have the right feelings. The problem is not to teach them to
tolerate intolerable behavior. The problem is how you go about changing the
behavior of other people. Evidently, it is a far more difficult task.
Problems of another order arise when the offending parties
belong to your family. When dealing with kin you cannot reasonably exclude them.
To be clear about what we are talking about, Bernstein reported
some egregious examples used by University of Louisville psychologist Michael
Cunningham:
It may
be an imperious command ("Bring me some coffee, will you?") instead
of a request for a favor. Often, it is a backhanded complaint or criticism:
"Are you really going to eat that?" or "You bought a car? I
thought you were saving for college." The person may not have meant to
make you feel bad, but you do.
To be perfectly honest, it doesn’t matter what the person
intended. If someone is treating you like dirt, you should not excuse him on
the grounds that it was unintended. A nasty tone of voice and a condescending
attitude are just as demoralizing when they are apparently unintentional.
If you become too willing to absorb even minor abuse, you
will become depressed.
Of course, there are also behaviors that are not, ipso
facto, rude, but that are irritating nonetheless. The man who does not clean up
the kitchen counter as his wife would like. She might find it irritating, but
there is no important rule of propriety that dictates how you should clean
something up. If it ends up being clean, well and good. If it is dirty and
attracts unwelcome intruders, the responsible party should correct his error.
Naturally, the first time someone is rude to you, you will,
as Bernstein suggest, cut the person some slack. If that doesn’t work, you
should point out the bad behavior or offer, a la Miss Manners, a clever
comeback. If all else fails, you will be obliged to sever contact with the
offending party.
Thus, I disagree with Bernstein and Cunningham when they
offer this advice:
In the
end, the best approach boils down to tried-and-true relationship advice: Change
your own behavior. Don't let yourself become irritated.
This
will be easier to do if you choose to see the other person's irritating
behavior as uncontrollable.
Maybe
your husband bites his nails because he is stressed at work. Or your wife might
be habitually late because she is swamped chauffeuring the family around. Maybe
your best friend interrupts you repeatedly because she is eager and impulsive.
"That is just the way they are," says Dr. Cunningham. "You can
decide to let it go."
In some cases this is obviously true. If you wife is late because
your son’s choir practice was running late, she is not being rude. If you take
it personally you are thin-skinned and hypersensitive.
If your husband sits around the house biting his nails, you
should try to find him an effective treatment. Bad habits can be broken. At
times they require professional intervention. If the habit annoys you, it is
best to retire to a different room.
If your best friend interrupts you constantly, you should
find a better best friend. You would never allow someone to slap you around
because she was eager and impulsive. You should learn how to choose your
friends and you should not choose as best friend someone who is constantly shutting
you up.
If you fail to react to rude behavior you are saying that
you deserve to be mistreated.
3 comments:
I see both sides, being willing to accommodate others, and finding a way to be assertive and communicate annoyances, but easier said that done.
I like the George Bernard Shaw quote, if we can assume such "assertive" people are both discerning over their preferences and insistent that they are right that everyone should follow their lead: "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
I'm still trying to see how assertiveness works, and you might see frank communication ITSELF can be considered rude, until you're sure there's a standard of behavior that ought to be followed.
And it also reminds me there's a sense of context, and in any given situation that isn't 100% public, it can be one person is more a guest, and the other more a host, and those two roles have their own asymmetric rules perhaps, and in some contexts the guest is usually assumed to be responsible for paying attention to the standards of the guest, and yet the host also may accommodate the guest's rudeness, even with more authority for gentle correction.
I guess the simplest to imagine is that some families, especially ones with many kids may tend towards open aggression and teasing, and if you observe them, you'll see they only tease those they like, and so you can learn if you're being teased, that means they're comfort with you, and it means you can feel free to express yourself directly to get what you want.
But other families live under more restraint, and don't take to teasing at all, and internalize criticism to a degree, you can ruin their evening by a single insensitive remark, and even if you recognize this, and apologize, you don't know what else to do.
So these two "extremes", when they come together, they're going to be trouble, and a covert power struggle over whose values should prevail, again, ideally based on who is the host and who is the guest.
So maybe such divergent folk should just never have to meet, because they just misunderstand each other so easily, or maybe just in small quantities, such encounters show that there are different standards of behavior, and both sides can practice showing respect to someone who is very different? At least that's my hope.
"In the end, the best approach boils down to tried-and-true relationship advice: Change your own mode of dress. Don't let yourself become rape-bait."
Great manners
http://youtu.be/OeURt5VTJJY
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