A Role Reversal Marriage

Ah, yes… another modern relationship problem in another role reversal marriage. As it happens the woman writing to Carolyn Hax says she has not chosen to reverse roles with her husband. She works and he stays home to help with the household and to bring up their tween daughter.

I will not leave you in suspense. Hax believes that the outburst noted in the letter is like the dead canary in the coal mine… a sign that it’s time to go. She may be right. We do not have enough information to draw a clear conclusion.

Without further ado, here is the letter:

I’m not doing well at hiding adult problems from my child. I work a full-time, stressful job with long hours while my husband is a stay-at-home dad, which I never agreed to. I thought he was going back to work 4½ years ago. I have tried to hide my resentment from my tween daughter, but tonight I was exhausted and frustrated after I worked 14 hours, ate cereal for dinner, did a load of laundry, helped her with her homework and cleaned the litter box while my husband sat on the couch with his phone.

When I said good-night to my daughter, I told her I hoped she found a hard-working spouse someday who would allow her to have a stress-free life and spend time with her children.

I truly meant it and I have thought it many, many times, but I so regret saying it to her and now I don’t know how to unburden her of my adult problems that I never should have told her. I feel awful. Ugh.

One agrees that the letter writer, who calls herself “Not Hiding” has every reason to be resentful. She has not chosen her role reversal marriage. And yet, it has been going on for 4 ½ years, so she has certainly allowed it to fester.

She does not tell us whether and how she has discussed this with her husband. I assume that the topic has come up. Hax suggests a couples counselor, but a mediator might also be a good idea. One cannot imagine that the topic has never been broached but one suspects that this postmodern couple has tried to accommodate the situation because they think it’s the new normal. What other reason could husband have for having no self-respect?

Now, the wife feels guilty for having shared her adult problems with her tween daughter. She feels less than proud of herself for making the girl’s father look inadequate. She is married to a slug and, in a clear manifestation of good sense, she wants her daughter to know that she does not like it.

But, if this  has been going on for 4 ½ years, it is inconceivable that darling daughter has not noticed. Whatever makes you think that she has not compared her household situation with that of her schoolmates? It makes no sense to think that her daughter is completely ignorant of the situation at home, or that she thinks it is normal. Perhaps she loves her father, but it strains belief to think that she respects him.

One understands the higher moral principle… a good wife does not bad mouth her spouse, to the children. And yet, the problem is the husband’s behavior, far more than hers. Unless, of course, you consider her to be something of an enabler. This woman has tried to save whatever piece of her dignity she still has… by letting her daughter know that she has not chosen her condition and that she hopes her daughter will find a better, more manly spouse. From this perspective, the wife has not erred, but has acted responsibly. I think that she deserves absolution for her dereliction.

Her dereliction is minor compared with her husband’s dereliction. If we assume, as is reasonable, that this couple has discussed their role reversal and the division of household labor, she might also be frustrated to see that her husband has not gone out to get a job. All the world’s conversation seems to have produced no real effect. He has not manned up. He has dialed it down and become a household slug. True enough, we do not know what he does during the day, but it is fair to imagine that he does next to nothing.

If wife has failed to get through to husband, then perhaps she is simply trying out another rhetorical ploy— making him look bad in his daughter’s eyes. It is not a good thing, but her situation is untenable. Perhaps it is her last resort. Surely, her daughter will not greet it as anything but a confirmation of what she already suspects. If so, she is affirming her daughter's correct assessment of the abnormality of the situation. The wife's action is not a crime against humanity. For all we know, it might work.