Sunday, February 17, 2019

He Bared His Shame. She Wants to Break up with Him.

Yesterday, I posted about a rape victim who was pondering whether or not to tell her boyfriend that, one night, when she was in a drunken state, a man had raped her.

Then, I ran across this situation, described on a site called Reddit. And, no, I do not make a habit of reading Reddit, but journalists at the Daily Mail do, so here goes. I introduce this situation because it’s real. And because it is different from the normal round of these cases. In this case, a man tells his girlfriend that he was raped as a child. And the girlfriend no longer finds him attractive. She wants to walk out on the relationship because she cannot stop envisioning him as a rape victim.

This resonates with the question at issue in the prior post. When a woman, or in this case, a man, confesses to having been degraded, the revelation changes the way another person sees him. This is why many women who have been sexually abused do not publicize or even reveal what happened to them. Call them crazy, if you like. But, try walking in their shoes and even respecting their decisions.

The Reddit conversation offers another piece of information. About the people who follow conversations on the site. That is: the army of trolls who have attacked the woman unmercifully. They have accused her of every manner of bigotry for failing to respect a man who exposed his deepest and most humiliating secret. 

We recall, to our chagrin, that many psycho professionals advise people to expose their most shameful secrets. Said psycho professionals have no sense of the effect that such information will produce in a relationship. And they do not understand that young people, hearing such advice, will reasonably take it as reason to sext images of their genitalia… to whomever.

And, to top it all off, the boyfriend in question exposed his childhood rape at a time when he was undergoing therapy. He was in therapy for sexual dysfunction, as it happened. Did the therapist tell him to be open, honest and shameful? A good question… but it certainly seems that therapy has undermined a relationship… because a therapist could not tell the man that perhaps it would have been good to keep the secret.

Here is the story from The Daily Mail:

A young woman is being slammed by Redditors for admitting she wants to break up with her boyfriend after he revealed he was raped as a child.

The 20-year-old woman wrote that she has been with her 24-year-old boyfriend for five months, and had been attracted to his tall, muscular physique and 'dominant' personality.

But since he recently broke down and told her that his stepbrother raped him when he was 11 years old, the woman said her perception of him has 'shattered' and she's considering ending the relationship. 

The woman, who is unidentified, has been unanimously condemned on Reddit.

Writing about her boyfriend, she said: 'He's tall, muscular, blonde with blue eyes. He's also really dominant and works at a start up doing marketing. In general he's very smart, funny, yadda yadda, you get it. I like him.

'However even though our sex life is good he's been having trouble performing starting a week and a half ago. I thought it was me at first so I asked him and he started to break down a bit before crying. 

'He's just started seeing a therapist or "counselor" about his childhood.

'Then he tells me that he was raped as an 11-year-old by his stepbrother, multiple times when he was young. 

'This floored me, as up until this point he seemed so macho and sort of like a "tough guy" and now he's confessing to being raped by another man while completely being in tears and holding me.'

Though she at least 'held him back and let him vent' when he spoke to her, she soon ended up leaving and is now thinking of ending things. 

'I completely understand that it's horrible being a rape victim but honestly I don't know if I could see him the same way again. I had this image of him that's completely shattered and honestly every time I see him text me I just feel weird now,' she said. 

'My best friend thinks I should try to keep dating him for a bit but I'm really not attracted to him like I was before. We're not broken up yet but I'm considering it kinda.'

Naturally, an army of trolls immediately amassed to tell her not to break up… and that she was a subhuman monster for entertaining the thought.

Before sharing, I note one salient point. The troll army is telling her that even if she is no longer attracted to said boyfriend she should stay with him and even have carnal relations with him… nonetheless. Thus, they do not respect her feelings. They do not respect her judgment. And they are telling her that she has a moral duty to fornicate with a man she does not find attractive. Tell me now whether they are not asking her to prostitute herself for their idiot cause. Tell me whether they are recommending that she have sex when she does not want to… because it will further a culture of shamelessness.

One troll wrote this, from the Daily Mail:

Yet another person, whose comment has since been deleted by Reddit moderators, went on a lengthy rant that's been applauded by thousands of others.

'Holy f***ing shit. You're a monster. You're truly a horrible person and I honestly hope you never find love in your life again,' the critic wrote.

'You're so lucky that you don't have a single f***ing clue on what it's like to be raped. Your boyfriend, who trusted you enough to show his feelings and confess a secret that's probably been haunting his dreams and his waking moments for years, i a strong man for living through that.

'He's still "macho." He's still a "tough guy." If you seem him as a lesser person because of something he couldn't control, then you make me sick,' the comment went on. 

'Shame on you. Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame. You've disrespected every man who's ever been raped. You've disrespected every rape victim. You've disrespected my friends who've been raped. F*** you. I hate you. GO ahead and leave him. He deserves far, far better.' 

Happily, the post was deleted. But still, in what kind of culture does someone like this become an arbiter of right and wrong?

Again, these seriously “woke” souls do not respect the woman. They want her to force herself to have sex with someone she no longer desires. How did it happen that no one respects her decision and her judgment… about how she wants to live her sexuality?


whitney said...

That happened to me in my early twenties with a guy I was dating. And I did the same thing. I knew I would never have children with someone who was molested as a child. I wasn't going to take the chance. He had other problems too

Ares Olympus said...

People break up for so many different reasons and a 20 year old woman is just not experienced enough to have her publicly acceptable reasons yet. We can judge her critics as being disrespectful to her feelings, but we can also wonder why the 20yo felt compelled to share her feelings publicly for us to judge.

The only compelling answer is what everyone knows. You don't go around telling the truth about negative feelings when others may take it badly. You offer a face-saving reason for both of you, so no one has to be wrong for who they are.

Some lines can cause problems later if your circle of friends doesn't change, like if you say "I just don't know if I'm the marrying type" to break up and then you get engaged to someone else in less than a year later. Of course if you're with the "wrong" person and imagine all relationships like that, you can say such things with complete honesty as well. We really know ourselves that poorly, and you can even apologize for that truth, if cornered by an ex.

UbuMaccabee said...

If I dated a women with one leg, and into the relationship, it became clear that I was put-off by her having one leg, would I be a monster to break it off (the relationship, not the other leg)?

What if my girlfriend was in an accident and lost all interest in sex afterward, would it be OK to bail or do I need to stand by her for x amount of time because people will think bad of me for declining to do so?

"That happened to me in my early twenties with a guy I was dating. And I did the same thing. I knew I would never have children with someone who was molested as a child. I wasn't going to take the chance. He had other problems too"

Whitney, I agree with you. "Damaged goods," is a legitimate deal-breaker, IMO. Trust your instincts, that's what they are for.