A New Vibrator to Get Girls through the Pandemic

Let’s see… while Teen Vogue, a magazine whose audience is underage girls, is not promoting leftist propaganda, it is promoting decadence. It is discouraging girls from being proud of their educational achievements and encouraging them to to identify themselves by their sexual anatomical configuration. 

So, here is Teen Vogue’s contribution to the current national coronavirus crisis. You guessed it: a user’s guide to sex toys, that is, to vibrators. Surely, it will help America’s teenage girls get through those school-less days. Surely, it's an improvement over teenage boys. Besides, teenage boys are sheltering in place, anyway.

I did not make this up. It does not come from the Babylon Bee or The Onion. Besides, you can buy a vibrator on Amazon and they will ship it to your door. Just make sure you sanitize it to remove all traces of any potential viral matter.

So, hot off the pages of Teen Vogue is this:

If you’re new to the world of sex toys, a quick Google search for the best vibrators on Amazon can be a great place to begin. There’s a huge array of options out there, which can feel overwhelming, but we (and the dedicated horde of Amazon reviewers) are here to help.

Vibrators are great for everyone, whether you’re just learning what feels good for your body or you’re an old pro at self-pleasure. Many come with various levels of intensity, which allows you to use them at the pace that best suits your preferences. 

And with so many different kinds of models out there, there’s bound to be one to suit your needs. Not looking for penetration? Searching for a clitoral stimulator? A prostate massager? What about something for under $10? There’s a vibrator for that.

At this point, you might be wondering: Can Amazon ship vibrators? The answer is, of course, yes! Though some people might find sex toys scandalous, there’s absolutely nothing illegal or shameful about investing in your sexual pleasure in ways that make sense to you. Read on for Teen Vogue’s picks for the best vibrators you can buy on Amazon, whether you’re in the market for a bullet vibe, a budget option, or one that’s shaped like a tube of lipstick.

I especially admire the creative ingenuity of the branding geniuses who have named these vibrators. Again, I will remind you, this comes to us from Teen Vogue, not from Mad Magazine… though Mad Magazine no longer exists.

So, here are some names, ripped from Amazon:

Tracy’s Dog Clitoral Sucking Vibrator 

Paloqueth G Spot Rabbit Vibrator 

Secret Lover Bullet Vibrator with Angled Tip 

Umania G Spot Bullet Vibrator 

Secret Lover Mini Lipstick Vibrator 

Secret Lover Mini Lipstick Vibrator 

Adorime High-Frequency Clitoris Vibrator 

XoSense G Spot Bullet Vibrator

A bullet vibrator, huh? I thought they were in favor of gun control. Anyway, you get the picture, though you might wish that you didn’t. I will note that the list also includes a few vibrators for women with prostate glands-- I assume that they are transgendered. And even a few for couples.

The issue here is not sexuality. It’s discretion. What a girl does in the privacy of her own bed is not shameful. Making a public spectacle of it, is. This popular magazine is hawking products that encourage women to define themselves in terms of their sexuality, not their minds.

Is this what feminism has come to? Apparently, it has.