Friday, December 29, 2017

Modern Dating

If you are of a certain age you might find this entertaining and exasperating… at the same time. Sometimes I post stories for the entertainment value. Some of these entertaining stories bespeak cultural trends. I trust you are old enough to understand that you cannot follow cultural trends by being glued to the mainstream media.

Here we have another trend story, this one, about dating practices. Yes, I know, no one really dates anymore… unless you want to consider Tinder-driven hookups as dates. This time the story comes from the New York Post, a Rupert Murdoch publication. One has read stories of some of these deviant practices in other places, but it is useful to have them collected in one story.

Anyway, now that everyone is in an uproar over sexual harassment in the workplace, we turn our tired eyes to the dating practices of American millennials.

And we discover that in a culture that does not really countenance dating and where men and women are more antagonistic than ever, things are not very good. The women who are expressing full-throated outrage at the behavior of male employers or coworkers, and who believe that they are striking a blow for some putative revolution, should recognize, as we will note in another post, that what goes around comes around, and that filling the air with hostility might not facilitate cordial, congenial and respectful relationships.

Anyway, the Post begins, as follows:

1. Stealthing:

The rise of “stealthing” — when a man secretly removes his condom during sex — was documented in a report in April, arguing that the act should be classified as a form of sexual assault.

The report’s author spoke with dozens of victims and said they had trouble articulating what exactly had happened to them and whether or not they should feel violated.

As of now, some legislators are trying to get stealthing defined as rape.

2. Love bombing:

If your new partner went from doting to controlling so fast it gave you whiplash, you might have been “love bombed.”

The seductive tactic is especially prevalent in people with narcissistic qualities and use “love bombing” as a way to control another person.

“If extravagant displays of affection continue indefinitely if actions match words and there is no devaluation phase, then it’s probably not love bombing,” Dale Archer, a psychiatrist who first labeled the behavior, wrote in Psychology Today. “On the other hand, if there’s an abrupt shift in the type of attention, from affectionate and loving to controlling and angry, with the pursuing partner making unreasonable demands, that’s a red flag.”

Clearly, we are against controlling men. But we are also against women who commit to one man and flirt with other men. 

3. Chemsex:

It means what you think it means:

Getting high and hooking up isn’t new, but these drug-fueled romps are getting people hooked.

“Chemsex” parties, also known as “PnP” or “Party and Play” are where people have sex on everything from crystal meth to ketamine to cocaine. The term has been popular within metropolitan gay and bisexual cultures for a long time, but has recently entered the mainstream.

“When you have chemsex it’s like you’re pushing to annihilate sexual boundaries and each other … you name it, I did it,” Ally*, a 30-year-old HR professional in Australia told whimn. “Then came the comedown and the shame – terrible Tuesdays, followed by weepy Wednesdays. Then I’d be ready to party again on Thursday. I didn’t recognize myself as a pockmark-faced addict portrayed on the anti-meth ads.”

Does that sound like fun to you? If sexual liberation were so normal and natural people would not need to be drugged out of their minds to participate in it.

4. Phubbing:

“Phubbing” is when a notification on your smartphone gives you a bigger sense of satisfaction then spending time with someone you care about. Apart from being extremely annoying, “phubbing” has been shown to affect a partner the same way a behavioral addiction, like gambling or drinking, would.

Forty-six percent of people reported being “phubbed” by their partner, with 22 percent reporting that their relationship suffered because of it, according to a study published in March.

Yes, indeed, these young people are so addicted to their smart phones that they prefer the screen to real, live human people. Of course, this assumes that said real life human beings have some compelling qualities.

The last problem concerns the misunderstanding of consent. Men, in particular, are often confused about the signals they are receiving. This can lead to awkward sexual encounters and even to rape.

It makes you wish we could go back to The Rules.


Sam L. said...

Modern dating... I'm not modern; I'm married; I'm not gonna do what the kids are doing.

Ares Olympus said...

I remember The Rules, almost 23 years ago now, back when classical dating still existed. I wonder if some of the qualify as "Love Bombing", although 16-18 look good.
16. Don't Tell Him What to Do
17. Let Him Take the Lead
18. Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him

Or to summarize, love him or leave him, and don't tell him which you're going to do until you do it. That's a woman's agency in action.