Sunday, November 17, 2013

Jordan the Butcher

All responsible parents will be able to relate to this one.

obamacare ads

It’s Halloween and you allow your son—cleverly named Jordan Butcher—to carve up the pumpkin all by himself. You just hand him the trusty family machete and let him go at it.

However limited your skills at pumpkin carving, but I bet you know that the machete in question is far too large for the job at hand.

No surprise that the tyke ends up butchering himself.

It’s no problem: what really matters is that you do not have to pay for the ER visit.

I trust that it crossed every parent’s mind that young Jordan possesses a leer that tells us that he feels ecstatic about carving things up. Do you really think that this young Butcher is going to limit himself to vegetable matter? If you do, why did you name this postmodern Jack the Ripper-- Jordan the Butcher.


Larry Sheldon said...

When I was little I was making a toy (I made many of my toys--we didn't spend much in toy departments).

The toy involved a wooden spool, an underwear button, a rubber band, a match-stick and part of another.

When assembled, and the rubber-band wound up, the toy was supposed to go racing across the floor.

Mine did not--it spun stupidly in one place.

I decided I had a traction problem that would be solved by cutting notches into the flanges of the spool.

Which I was doing when the knife split the spool in half and cut into my index finger to or near to the bone.

My mother washed the wound, first with tap water then with tincture of iodine (or Mercurochrome or Merthiolate) and bandaged the wound lightly then taped my hand to a bed of tongue depressors to hold the wound closed.

I can still see the crescent scar in that finger which has never bothered me these 50 or 60 years.

In my high school I worked in a photo finishers lab and cut my wrist in the dark room--probably with the cover of a film-pack.

Dad took me to the emergency doctor who probed and poked (at that time we had no idea what I had done), then wash it out and stitched it up.

That scar too has finally faded but for many years it itched and drive me crazy with every change in the weather.

Sam L. said...

Sewing his thumb back on is a trick. An expensive one. Mom not smart enough to make sure he used the right tool for the job, or to supervise his work.

Anonymous said...

If this is actually an epidemic, I suggest the trial attorneys are the best group to stop this madness. They can blame everything on Jason Voorhees, the scary character from the Friday the 13th movies. They should sue everyone associated with that movie, because Jason walks around with a machete. Or perhaps it was Chuckie from "Childs Play" who gave kids they could go around slashing with no consequences. There are millions to be made here. The states attorneys general could get blade-makers to pay for all their healthcare shortfalls. Fun!