Wednesday, June 24, 2020

Bugged by Her Boyfriend's Effeminacy

Here it is, another millennial involved in a role reversal relationship. She cannot figure out why she resents her boyfriend when he cooks and cleans and fawns over her-- but does not do very much real world work.

In the old days, before everyone’s brains were rotted by wokeness and political correctness, the letter writer would have known better than to fall in love with a deadbeat. Especially with a deadbeat who is in touch with his feminine side. (I suspect that he is a casualty of therapy.) Nowadays, she does not.

In the old days, she would have known better than to write to New York Magazine’s pathetic excuse for an advice column, Ask Polly.

If she seeks counsel from Polly, she is clearly in trouble.

Anyway, after gushing over how kind and compassionate the young man is, the letter writer, called Sad and Spiteful, continues to explain how much she finds his cutesy and charming persona to be cloying and irritating:

There are small nagging problems. I am not as tidy as him and he does almost all the housework, making me feel stressed and unhelpful. He doesn’t have much work and I have way too much. I feel sometimes that he is smothering me and giving me too much.

For reasons that make no sense, SAS moved in with the person. It did not improve things:

Everything he says annoys me. I hate it when he makes cutesy suggestions. I hate it when he whispers to me. I hate it when he strokes my hair. Before, we were having sex every day, occasionally twice a day, and now I can’t bear for him to touch me. We’ve had conversations that skirted around the issue: I get annoyed at him for letting me treat him badly. I’m such a bully sometimes. I know it’s impossible to win when I’m like this, but I can’t stop myself. Sometimes I think a mean and unkind response (to some innocuous thing or question) and I try and talk myself out of saying it, but I can’t and say it anyway. I think it barbs, but I can’t tell. Sometimes when I do this, I wish he would just tell me to fuck off like I deserve. Poor guy! But why won’t he stand up for himself? I’ve always thought he was a bit soft (his defense is to shut down) to put up with this. Whenever I get upset or irritated, he takes it on himself. I almost feel like an emotional abuser, which I hate. I want to stop. I know I can be an emotional terrorist. But I want to stop. I love him. I do!

Everyone had been telling her to find a deeply sensitive man, one who would share household chores, and who has no spine. Somehow or other, she hates him for being weak, for being spineless and masochistic. Why would she not? Effectively, her reaction is normal.

I ended up telling him I was feeling repulsed by him and he’s asked me to stop inviting him back in and then pushing away and give ourselves some real time to see how we feel (as much as we can in a one-bed flat!). He’s said he wishes I had known myself better when I enthusiastically took this step (I booked the movers! Me! This was my idea!). I actually do feel better that he at least told me I am being a bit mean.

I’m so sad that I’m causing this pain for like … no reason! I want to let us both off this Push Me Pull Me crazy ride. I want to be easy and just relax a bit. But I am so so prickly. I am so unable to be relaxed and easy. It makes me sad. Will I always be so mean? What to do?

The answer is so obvious, it jumps out of the page. Move out, and find a man who is solvent, who works for a living, who succeeds in the outside world-- even if he does fewer dishes and does not dust the chandelier. 

Dare I say that Polly pumps up her seemingly limitless capacity for stupidity and tells the woman that the problem is hers. Am I the only one to be appalled at Polly's misogyny here. She blames the woman.

According to Polly, SAS needs therapy. She feels too much shame. It is bad enough that Polly consistently embarrasses herself. It is worse that she always does it in the same way.

Your lack of kindness toward your boyfriend is rooted in your extremely negative and punitive view of yourself. He does things that you can’t do that well: Give generously, attend to others, tune into feelings, encounter vulnerability as more than just an irritant. You admire these traits in your boyfriend, but you also see them as weak. You fell in love with him because he’s safe and stable and also because you’re trying to become more like him. But that is hard.

SAS is repulsed by his weakness. It is not her fault. Her fault lies in having fallen in love with a man who is in too close touch with his feminine side. 

Time to dump the motherfucker, already. I will do you the grace of not sharing the rest of Polly’s remarks. Don’t say I’m not a nice guy.


Giordano Bruno said...

"Dump the motherfucker already?" I looked again, nope, not in quotes or italics. Stuart has crossed a Rubicon. I'm actually laughing aloud as I type. I agree wholeheartedly, but may I make another suggestion?

Josh (I'll call him Josh, because that what wimps are too often named) is a pussy. He's a passive, cloying, spineless boy. To know him is to want to punch him. He's the guy at Macy's who just got savagely beat by a (must not say) while begging and screeching. But at some level, he likes being bossed around and beat up by his girlfriend. It's his natural role in life. If not her, he'd either be alone and mopey or find another Karen to abuse him. At least this Karen seems normal.

I think Karen should stay put and slowly put the clamps on him that his role to serve and worship her; a best friend and a dresser and butler all rolled into one--with just the occasion whiff of sex to keep him interested. Josh will be delighted. Once she has Josh entirely wrapped around her finger, that's when she introduces an informal arrangement of polyandry. If she does it methodically, Josh will go along completely. Her goal is to use her current situation to pursue hypergamy while not having the financial weight of going it entirely alone. Josh might even dig the new arrangements; he can watch and clean up. Josh evidently likes to clean up. If Karen plays it right, Josh will slowly adapt to his new role as naturally as he was born to it. Some people were made to serve others; odd world.

I think maybe I should have an advice column.

Sam L. said...

SHE moved in with HIM? Then she's not on the legal hook for the rent, and should move out post haste. And leave NO forwarding address. Get a new phone number, too.