Saturday, August 1, 2020

Every Child Left Behind

The Babylon Bee has uncovered a new national cause. They call it: Every Child Left Behind. Naturally, it is being led by the teachers’ unions.

Here’s the story:

U.S.—Teachers who have been enjoying the extended time off due to COVID concerns are eager for it to continue. Desperate to avoid returning to the classroom in the fall while still getting paid for it, teachers have come together to launch an “Every Child Left Behind” movement.

Citing concerns of possible exposure to the virus, teachers have expressed that they will not be returning until their safety can be guaranteed. They also do not want to be bothered by teaching online, either. “We don’t want some kids falling behind and other, more privileged kids learning online.” said Director of Education Susan Birchfield, “No! We say all kids should have their education equally hindered.” 

“My greatest joy in life is teaching my wonderful, little angels, but if I can not go to work and still get paid then see ya later, snot-nosed brats!” said 2019 teacher of the year Kathy Frazzelbum as she floated by in her pool tube while sipping a piña colada.

“Kids have their entire lives to learn. It’s not like these are formative years that could leave their education stunted and trailing behind the rest of the world,” explained teacher’s union founder Trish McDonald.

Teachers across the nation expressed their utmost thanks to the taxpayers and assured them that this was money well spent. “I am much more productive as a teacher thanks to the Every Child Left Behind movement. Now I can go run errands as I please and instead of grading papers I can binge Netflix!”

At publishing time, the teacher’s union was planning a series of strikes to continue the Every Child Left Behind movement until a cure for all sickness and death was found.


urbane legend said...

As has happened so often this year, reality catches and embraces the Bee's satire. The Teachers Union does not want to return to work, No Child Left Behind is a failure; why not be upfront about it?

Can this country stand that much honesty?

There are thousands of dedicated teachers in this country. I know several. I admire their commitment.

Sam L. said...

The BEE! It STINGS!! It's so GOOD!!!!

Anonymous said...

Well, one problem is that many teachers who aye in unions are only there because they must be to work, and they detest the unions, that launder money for the dims.

Secondly, not all teachers belong to unions. Missouri is a right-to-work state and though KC and SL have unions, for the rest it's voluntary and we choose not to. They're so far left they offer no help to trad teachers anyway.

I'm retired, but my husband's still there and angry about the covid hysteria and eager to go back to work. He's in special ed, and it's hard teaching kids to count change, measure, and read without sitting next to them.

Until/unless we get rid of gov schools, we need a campaign to get cons/trads into the classrooms teaching. Everyone complains -- rightly -- about schools, but they never suggest getting our people in there.

Yeah, lots of curriculum comes from academia, but teachers can do things. When our school had an assembly teaching how wonderful immigration was, we came back to our room and told them all about teaching in CA, the illegal problem, crime, crowded classrooms, ESL, etc.

And at trainings, if there were 40 out of 50 complaining about being called racist and too dumb to know it (implicit bias), we could have done something. Since there were only 6 or 7 (not even complaining, just not gung-ho), we were harassed, instead. At the end of our last year in Seattle (only lasted 3 years there), got a school-wide email from our "dept head" who wrote "We will be doing something about the passive-aggressives next year." Heh!

Nice to hear, though, one day a little girl coming to our room to borrow the overhead. She said "Mrs. ----" (dept head) "was mad 'cause we were talking--she smashed her fist on the overhead -- and glass flew everywhere!"

Heh. That was our boss. She did not like us -- or teaching. She's well-paid in admin, downtown now, I hear.