Wednesday, August 5, 2020

Is Her Daughter Making a Big Mistake?

To some extent I agree with Carolyn Hax on one point. The woman who writes her is worried about her daughter’s choice of boyfriend. The reason: the man has significant student loans, but does not seem to have the means of paying them off within a reasonable time period.


Hax will say that the mother should not interfere, should not voice her objections, should not confront her daughter about this issue. She should, as the old saying goes, forever hold her peace.


In this case as in many other letters written to advice columns, we do not know enough to evaluate the situation. We suspect that the boyfriend might one day slough off the debt on his girlfriend. She has no school debt and makes a better living than he does. We suspect that the man is not the breadwinner or provider type. This means that daughter will not have the option of staying home and caring for her eventual children. We suspect that the daughter does not understand fully the implications of getting involved with a man who is basically insolvent... and who might become a parasite.


And yet, we also suspect that any advice from mother will be dismissed. Today’s independent and autonomous women like to make their own mistakes. Unfortunately, at times, they make some very large mistakes. If darling daughter is in love, she might be ignoring the signs that will make a future together more difficult. And if said boyfriend is something of a loser, this will eventually impact the girl’s life.


So, we appreciate that Hax pretends to have total confidence in the judgement of the daughter, and we understand that in today’s world, advice should not be offered unless requested-- and perhaps not even then-- the letter writing mother probably is seeing something that has largely escaped her daughter.


Without further ado, here is the letter:


My oldest daughter, who is pretty, intelligent, kind and hard-working, has been dating a guy who cares for her but has college loans he won't pay off for 15 more years. She has no student loans because we paid for her college. He has a decent job and salary, but she makes more even though she is three years younger. He has to penny-pinch to afford his loan payments.


This doesn't impact her much now because they don't live together. While I certainly know she is an independent adult and would not tell her who to date, I want to caution her that marrying him would mean a lifetime of having to penny-pinch. I don't think she realizes what she would have to give up to marry him, such as buying a house, nice vacations, the ability to afford a dog or have her children play a travel sport like she did or pay for her children's college educations. We worked so hard for her to be financially stable, and now that could all be at risk.


What, if anything, should I say to her, and how do I say it without seeming like I'm telling her to break up with him over money?


— Stressed Over Finances


SOF has described the situation entirely in financial terms. It makes her look less than gracious. Along with financial well-being comes community status and standing. It’s one thing to be constantly short of cash. It’s quite another to marry a man who is not respected in the community. His lower standing will define the way the daughter and her grandchildren are treated.


One can only regret that in today’s world, where people are taken to be self-sufficing and self-involved human monads, children have learned not to take adult advice. It’s a bad strategy, one that causes some considerable pain.

6 comments:

David Foster said...

"Along with financial well-being comes community status and standing. It’s one thing to be constantly short of cash. It’s quite another to marry a man who is not respected in the community. His lower standing will define the way the daughter and her grandchildren are treated."

I wouldn't be surprised if the boyfriend today IS high status among their social circle...maybe a sport he plays, or attitude, or sense of humor, or whatever...and the girl doesn't recognize that this isn't going to carry forward into the wider world.

I knew a woman who was very successful, extremely attractive, and pleasant to be around...her husband was not doing much from a career/income standpoint, not very helpful to the kids, and not very nice to her. People wondered what she was doing with him. I never verified the backstory, but I expect it was something like I described above.

Stuart Schneiderman said...

That's probably true, though clearly his status is not based on financial solvency, either his own or his family's. Obviously, if he is a diplomat or a career public official or even a military officer, that's one thing, and it would fit certain parameters. And yet, if he is the class clown or a cool guy or was a college athlete... it is certainly possible, even likely, as you say, that the daughter does not recognize the future difficulties. The last situation is intriguing, though in some cases men do not find very successful women to be attractive. Or to be wife material.

urbane legend said...

I don't think she realizes what she would have to give up to marry him, such as buying a house, nice vacations, the ability to afford a dog or have her children play a travel sport like she did or pay for her children's college educations.

I didn't realize how much the wife and I were missing. Having a place to live and vehicles paid for, her satisfaction as a painter and jewelry maker, both of us musicians, just not complete without a dog, or maybe two.

Dogs are four leg children. Our children are adults, all contributors to society. Why do I need a dog, or does daughter need to be able to afford a dog? There are other things.

Giordano Bruno said...

Significant student loans with no ability to repay them describes about 10% of the nation. And after the giant crater that about to appear, I'd add another 10% to that sum. They are all going to default in clusters. And if you thought 2008 was bad, wait until the breadth and depth of that bubble gets objectively measured. All to get a degree in a subject that they could have learned online in a month (I'm not referring to real disciplines like medicine and most STEM).

He might also be well endowed, and she can't get enough of Captain Tingles.



Suzannemarie said...

This is what fathers used to do. A father would question his potential son-in-law about his future, his morals and his ability to support a family.


The void caused by absence of fathers cannot be filled by babbling agony aunts and mothers who do not dare to confront their daughters.

Sam L. said...

There is a roof over her head that's in immanent danger to crash on her head.